you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
