If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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