why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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