remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
