I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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