So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
