who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
