I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
