The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
