Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
