Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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