I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
All I want is dick and wine.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize