I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
