Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
