we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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