Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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