just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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