Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
