my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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