If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
