I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
