if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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