Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Drunk walkin through police station. America
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
