you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
