she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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