i can't believe i had my finger in that
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
