Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
