Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
