Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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