Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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