Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
