meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
