I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
