Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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