I think I won the penis lottery.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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