Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I CAN MOONWALK!
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
