We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I can't trust your balls anymore.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
