Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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