I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
