Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
