I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
