i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
