He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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