ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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