gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
