i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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