I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
