dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
