do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
