I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
