i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
