This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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