she was so not down for the gang bang
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
