My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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