it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
