Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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